January
17, 2007
Welcome
to my first ever blog. Isn't that such a funny word? I mean,
why is an on-line journal suddenly called a blog. Yeah, I
get it....It stands for web log, but it is just one of those
words that bother me. Do you have words like that which
bother you? Sometimes I just get so fixated on the sound of
a word or how it is spelled. Like asinine. That's actually a
cool one. Sounds naughty and dirty but it is not.
I
wanted to keep my first "blog" light and fun so
you'd get to know me, but I really must rant. There's
another annoying word...Rant. Anyway, I am ranting about my
parents. You see, I am in 8th grade, and if it is not
troubling enough that I will be a high school freshman next
year, I have just found out I will be moving! And not just to
a new house which would be awesome. And not just across
town. We're not even going to be in the same state. Instead,
we are moving out of state! Asinine! I will be miles from my
friends, and my cell probably does not have enough free
minutes to call all my friends back home. I was hopefully
scared about next year but now I am terrified. I was scared
about going to high school but hopeful it would bring a lot
of promises....maybe a spot on student government, maybe a
cheerleading position, I was even thinking of trying out for
basketball. My number one goal was to get a boyfriend. I was
eyeing this one cute sophomore who plays on the Varsity
basketball team. (Woops, you just discovered where my sudden
interest in basketball came from!) But now all those plans
are ruined, and I am oh so sad.
I am
totally not the outgoing type in new situations, so this is
major suckage. Maybe I can change their minds, but they were
on-line last night looking at real estate, so I think it's a
done deal. Ugh.
February
24, 2007
I
have incredible news! I went to a Varsity game last night,
and afterward they had a dance mixer that the 8th graders
were invited to. I totally hit it off with that sophomore
guard, Devan, and I want to date him so badly. *Cheers* What
a cutie. Blond hair, blue eyes. But my parents are against
dating at my age. I am not sure what I am going to do. I was
a little put off when he didn't ask me to dance, though I
would have probably been very nervous, because believe it or
not, I have never danced with a boy before. For some reason,
I have always been too nervous and wanted to wait until I
was with THE guy. You know, the one. Maybe I am too young to
think of "the one," but I cannot help it. I am the
girl who used to line up her stuffed animals on two sides of
her bedroom, put my mom's scrap lace fabric on my head (as a
veil), carry some flowers, and pretend I was getting married
with rings on my fingers! Probably way asinine of me! Okay,
now I'm starting to overuse that word. Anyway, for some
adult reason, I have always thought that the first guy I
danced with would be the guy who later became my husband.
What if Devan is that guy? Some high school romances work;
right? I am so happy right now that I cannot even think
straight. I love "love!"
March
1, 2007
Devan
texted me at school today. Problem is, phones aren't allowed
at our school, and I actually listen to the rules. So, my
phone was at home and it buzzed just as my mom came into my
room to put a magazine on my bed that I got in the mail.
What bad timing! And I cannot believe the invasion of
privacy. She read my text! I thought she trusted me. There
is no reason she shouldn't, and I am so hurt & mad that
she went through my things. She doesn't think I have a
reason to be mad, because I know her rules. Yeah, well she
has like 2,000 rules, and the rules about dating have sort
of been implied but never actually stated. She is trying to
control my life, and I have been such a good kid that I
don't see why I need all these rules. Anyway, she took away
my phone. And now it is all, "Who is Devan?" She
flipped when I said he was in high school. She said the text
message was inappropriate, but I don't even know what it
said, and I cannot reply because she took my phone, so now
he'll think I'm ignoring him. I have to find a way to get in
touch with him so he knows the truth.
March
3, 2007
I
found out what Devan's text said, "Hey sweetness. Hope
U R having a good day. Hope you can come and play with me
some day." That was in reference to playing basketball
because I let him know I was really into it, and my mom took
it as a sexual reference. WHAT? What decade is she living
in, and again, where is the trust? And she didn't tell me.
Instead, my friend, Ashley, found out because her brother is
friends with Devan, and Devan told her brother, who told
Ashley, who told me. Got that? My mom is nuts if she thinks
taking my phone away will keep me away from getting to know Devan
better. I am not even saying he is "the
one." (Okay, I know I did say that a few blogs ago.)
But I am just trying to get to know this guy better. It is
probably a waste of time. My mom & dad made an
appointment this weekend to look at some houses in our new
neighborhood, and they are dragging me along because, as
they say, I am too young to be home alone. This bites. I
think I am going to stay in my room until we move so I don't
have to meet new people that I won't be able to get to know
better. Might as well cut my ties from my friends now. Might
as well suck a little now rather than sucking a lot later. I
hate how much my life has changed in just a short time.
March
11, 2007
I went to Devan's game last night. His team won! But he told me that
maybe I am too young for such a mature relationship. But he
is only two years older than me, so we don't have that much
of an age difference. I think he is starting to sound like
my mom! He said he wants a girl who can text him back, go on
dates, talk on the phone. I told him that I can go on dates.
To prove it to him, we are going out on Friday night to a
movie. I am not sure what we'll see. I told him I'd leave it
up to him to pick. It doesn't matter. I'm sure it won't be a
chick flick, though. I'll just be glad to spend time with
him and show him I am mature. I might have to bring Ashley
along as a cover. I don't think I'm really lying to my mom
if I just forget to mention Devan will be there. How do I
even know he'll show up? Okay, I am 99% sure he will, but I
think I will just forget to tell her that part.
March
18, 2007
Trouble,
trouble. Why is it finding me lately? Does trouble always
come when someone wants to have fun? Okay, so I told my mom
that Ashley and I were going to the movie. She decided to
call Ashley's mom to double check. Luckily, that checked out
for me. But then she insisted she drop me off. And she
wouldn't even drop me off a few blocks away. She had to wait
until she saw Ashley at the doors and then drop me off right
in front of the doors. Then she kissed me! At least it was
on the cheek. But how embarrassing! I'm not two anymore. Ah,
I wouldn't have minded. I do appreciate that she loves me,
but Devan was right at the doors. Luckily he did not see the
kiss, but he did see her drop me off, which doesn't prove
I'm very mature. He just got his license, so he drove
there....in his own sweet car. I would love to ride around
with him in his black cherry sports car. Maybe this summer
if I suck up to my parents, especially my mom. She is the
rule maker and Dad always goes along with what she says.
Anyway, Devan sat real close to me during the movie. I don't
even remember what it was about, because I just kept
thinking about him. I could feel the heat of his body next
to mine. Boys are so warm! I just wanted to cuddle him. Oh,
shoot, I need to continue this blog tomorrow because I
forgot I have a social studies quiz tomorrow, so I have to
study...Sorry!...
March
19, 2007
Back to the
movie....I left it about twenty minutes early so I could use
Ashley's cell to call my mom and delay her from picking me
up. I asked her if Ashley's mom could take us to her house
for awhile because we were having so much fun. She grilled
me on why I was out of the movie 20 minutes early, but I
told her I was on a popcorn run. (I love munchies!) She
believed me, and then I felt bad that I lied, so I asked Devan
to lend me some money to buy popcorn. It was so cool
when he said I didn't have to pay him back. I consider it my
first gift from him. Anyway, I told him I was going back to
Ashley's, and he asked me if I'd like to hang out more with
him instead because he didn't want the night to end yet. Of
course I wanted to be with him, so I said I'd go. But I told
him I had to get my stuff at Ashley's first. He said he'd
pick me up at her place, but I decided we should meet
downtown outside the theater. He said that was cool.
New paragraph!
Ashley's mom picked us up, and then I borrowed a cute top
from Ashley that she had just gotten and I knew Devan would
like. She got it at the mall, and it has cap sleeves and a
princess cut bodice covered in lace, plus it ties in a bow
in the back. Kind of flirty even though I can't fill it out
like I should, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Ashley's mom
refused to go to sleep early because she was watching some
Lifetime movie or something lame, so we pretended we were
really tired, and then I had to sneak out of Ashley's
window. It was really dark, and when I started walking down
the sidewalk, I got really scared, so I started running.
Then I realized I could get all sweaty and ruin my hair, so
I just walked quickly. No one was at the theater when I got
there! And I was afraid someone in town might see me and
call my mom, but just then Devan pulled up in his cherry red
car! I tried to act all cool and not too excited, but I had
never been in a boy's car before.
Shoot, I hear
my mom in the hall. I will finish later. She cannot find
this stuff out or she'll take my computer and ground me for
life! I have NEVER been grounded.
March
20, 2007
Okay, ok,
okay....I thought we were just going to drive around in Devan's car, so I got really nervous when he pulled up to a
friend's house. It was a senior's house, and his parents
were gone for the weekend. And worse yet, my dad was best
friend's with this guy's dad, so I was afraid he could find
out I was there, but when I started telling this to Devan,
and when he gave me a way weird look, I knew I was acting
like a kid, so I decided to shut up and go in. I had been
over to his house before (with my dad) but just in the
entryway because this was their new house. Off the topic! Devan
was really cool and didn't pressure me to do anything,
but then I wondered how much he likes me, because he didn't
even hold my hand. I hope I am not just his basketball
buddy, because he kept mentioning NBA players and stuff to
me. It was so cool of him to turn down whatever it was those
other guys were offering him. I think it was drugs. He said
that stuff is not cool, and that he didn't want any part of
it. Neither did I. Besides, it was making my clothes smell
funny and all I needed was for my mom to figure things out.
Then I'd never see Devan. Who knows if I will anyway. I am
beginning to think two years older is a lot different,
because there were all these girls there, and some of them
were willing to do things with their boyfriends that I
didn't think they should. I'll leave that for a rant for
another day. Right now I just want to say that Devan was a
perfect gentleman, and he drove me back to Ashley's, which I
think he now thinks is my house, so I will have to clear
that up with him. He thinks it's way neat that I snuck out.
I guess I still didn't lie, because I was back at Ashley's,
and her mom didn't ask me if I snuck out. I feel kind of
bad, though. The worst part was that Ashley forgot to keep
her window open, and I couldn't whack her window hard enough
to wake her but not her mom, so I had to sleep in their
garage! Good thing it is heated. I snuck back in when her
mom went for a walk with their dog, and no one is the
wiser. But I was super tired the next day! Mom
did not like that I slept in until noon!
March
22, 2007
My mom asked me
how my night was the next day. I just giggled and said we
had fun. I wasn't lying. WE did have fun. There was just
more to the "we" than she needs to know. I am
starting to feel bad about hers & my relationship. We
used to be so close, and we still are, but things are
feeling different. Like she doesn't even know me and is just
thinking about this move and not my feelings. She wants to
protect me, I guess, but I don't need protection. She needs
to realize I am growing up. I wonder what Devan is doing
today? No time to think about him, though, if I can possibly
not! Because I have to practice for a speech competition
that I am in. I already passed the local competition so I am
onto the regional area competition. Cool for me! Devan was
impressed, but he said he knows I have a sweet voice, and
he'd listen to me talk any day! Ha, ha, he must want a
cookie!
March
31, 2007
My last blog
gave me an idea! I baked Devan some cookies! I wasn't sure
what else to get him, but I recently learned it was his
birthday. Like as in yesterday recently, so I had to think
quick. I told my mom I was craving chocolate, so she was a
gem and went to the store to get me some chocolate chips. I
asked her if I could take some to Ashley's house, and she
actually let me. Probably because I haven't mentioned Devan lately, she feels she can give me a bit more trust. I did
give Ashley a few but I asked her brother to give the bag to
Devan. I put a note inside wishing him a happy birthday.
Ashley's brother, Ty, will give it to Devan tomorrow. I hope
it doesn't embarrass Devan, but I didn't know what else to
do. By the way, Mom gave me back my cell phone. Probably
because I have been doing lots around the house, getting
ready for the move, and she said maybe she was a bit too
harsh on me. Ya think? But this doesn't mean I won't be
texting Devan anymore. That is the main reason I am glad I
got it back. He's never on messenger because he is so busy
with sports and his friends...."the guys." I miss
him, and I wonder if he thinks of me ever. He did pass a
note to Ty to give to me, but Ty lost it! I let Devan know
that in my cookie letter.
April
1, 2007
I hope Devan doesn't think I'm Betty Crocker. Maybe I'm too mature for
him now. Gosh, what was I thinking! I have not heard from
him yet.
Hmmm....My mom
says that she heard there was drinking at a party. My dad
told her. Guess what? It was the party I was at! I wish this
was April Fool's, but she knows most of the details.
But she doesn't know I was there. I guess after Devan &
I left some of those druggie guys started drinking beer, and
then some other kids decided to try it. Someone got in their
car and got in an accident. I am so glad no one got hurt. I
know you might think it's weird of me, but I don't like
drinking. I think it is bad, and I have reasons for this. My
cousin was on life support and nearly died from a drinking
related crash. My dad is a recovering alcoholic. I have
never seen him drunk because it was before I was born but I
can just about imagine the troubled times he had with the
stories he tells. The way I see it, if you don't take that
first drink, you'll never have to worry about becoming an
alcoholic. I'm glad Devan doesn't drink. We really feel the
same about so many things. He says his sports are way too
important to mess up and his coach would kill him if he got
caught on drugs. Alcohol is a drug, too. I hope he never
gets caught at a party because other kids sometimes drink
there, and I don't want him in trouble for something he
didn't do. Gosh, I worry about him a lot!
April
6, 2007
Devan
loved the
cookies! I am so relieved. I just didn't hear from him
because his cell battery died. Now he got a new one. He
called me "Betty Cracker" in his text! We are so
on the same page. I think he meant to type an "o"
but typed an "a." Either that or he doesn't know
it's Betty CrOcker. Oh well, I'll be whatever Betty he wants
me to be!!!
April
17, 2007
My life sucks!
Ashley told me today that Ty said Devan is dating someone
else! This is really shocking to me, because when Ashley and
I went out for pizza two nights ago, I texted Devan that he
should swing by. I was stoked when he did. Ashley was really
a pal and went for a walk for about 30 minutes while Devan & I hung out alone. He told me he will miss me when I
move away, and then he gave me his e-mail address to keep in
touch! I don't know why we didn't think of that before! But
I guess he is on the computer more in the summer.
Anyway, Ashley
said that Devan is taking some Ali girl to Prom. She's a
freshman, and I think she is a cheerleader for football. She
isn't even into his sport like I am. I am wondering if I am
ugly. Is my chest too flat? Maybe he wants a girl with a big
butt or big hips. I cried all day after Ashley called and
told me that, and my mom is asking lots of questions, but I
am not answering. I just told her I am upset about the move
because it is coming quicker than I thought it would. I
cannot believe he would do this to me, so I texted him about
it, and he is ignoring me I think. I am going to e-mail him
now.
April
19, 2007
What is the big
deal about Prom? And why can't an eighth grader go? I could
go if I was just one year older. What is a year? My
boyfriend happens to be in high school. Why am I punished
for that? Devan said he is not dating Ali, but they are just
going to Prom as friends. I know that she wants him. I saw
her at all his basketball games, and she was always cheering
for him. It's sickening.
Woah, I just
re-read my blog. I called Devan my boyfriend! Good thing he
doesn't read this because I am not sure he feels the same
way for me, but I really do feel like he is my boyfriend. I
just don't know if we'll be able to make a super long
distance relationship work. I'd be willing to try....more
than willing. And maybe he can move to my state in two years
to go to college. That could work! I've never felt this way
about a boy before. I hate that Ali girl.
April
20, 2007
Okay, I don't
HATE Ali. I just don't think I like her very much.
April
26, 2007
*Uncomfortable*
Ashley & I went to the mall the other day, and who did
we run into but Devan & Ali. He introduced us
officially and said they were just Prom shopping. I
believe him. I think. When he introduced me Ali said,
"Is she your little sister?" His little
sister is 9! What a major face slap. Ashley's
jaw dropped, and she later said she wanted to ask if Ali was
his mother! She should have. I felt really
embarrassed, but Devan did say, "No, she's someone
special to me," which was cool of him to say, but how
come he can never call me his girlfriend? I am getting
very worried about this.
May
1, 2007
We had eighth
grade orientation today, so we went to the high
school. Devan is on Student Council, so he got to take
a group of kids around to tour the school. Ashley was
in his group. Too bad he wasn't my group's
leader. I'd follow him anywhere! Actually,
Ashley and I tried to switch spots but we got caught by a
teacher. I think Ali told on us. And then my
group got Ali! She is not even in Student Council but
has study hall, so she volunteered to help out. What a
do-gooder. I know she just did this to make me feel
bad, because she was totally flirting with Devan....in front
of me....any chance she got. I am not a jealous person
but this is getting ridiculous. He needs to set her
straight.
May
5, 2007
Ty gave me a
note today, but this one wasn't from Devan. It was
from Ali! She told me that I should think about her
& Devan dancing together this weekend, and that she was
mature enough to give him what he wants. I think she
means sex but I know Devan is not like that and would never
do that to me. He would never hurt me. I would
tell Devan about this but she also threatened to tell my mom
I was seeing Devan if I said anything to him. She said
I should leave him alone, but I think she should. I
wonder how she knows that my mom doesn't want me to see Devan. Is she guessing? Or did he tell
her? Does he know how against "us" my mom
is? Oh! My mind is going to be whirring this
weekend. Maybe Ashley & I can go in at coronation
to see how things are going at the very least.
May
7, 2007
Ashley got sick
this weekend! She couldn't go with me, but I wanted to find
out what was happening so bad that I went with my mom.
How desperate am I? What was worse was she asked who
the girl in the black cherry dress was (yeah, Ali got a
dress to match Devan's car--how devious can she get?)
I told her it was a girl named Ali, and she went on & on
about how pretty she is and how beautiful her hair and gown
were. Mom doesn't know what Devan looks like, so I
know she wasn't trying to be mean, but it was so hurtful,
especially to hear this stuff from my mom, whose opinion I
really do value, even if I don't always show it.
May
21, 2007
Devan
called me
yesterday. It was really risky, but he said he knew my mom
was not at home because he just drove by and no cars were in
the yard. He asked if he could come over, so I said he could
but only for an hour because my mom was due back in 85
minutes. I really watched the clock when he got to my house.
We hung out in my room so he could go out the back window if
he had to but that didn't end up happening. I thought he was
going to kiss me today. We were sitting on the edge of my
bed, and he started playing with my hair, and I got really
nervous, because I always get nervous around boys. He told
me I am beautiful and that I didn't need to worry about
girls like Ali, because she could never change how he feels
for me. But just then, as he was moving into kiss me, gazing
into my eyes, and I started closing mine, he got a text
message. I am not kidding you. It was from Ali. It's like
the girl has ESP. He didn't read the message in front of me,
but he did check to see who it was from, and he told me but
said it was no big deal. He said she has texted him a lot
since Prom but he has only replied once. But I did notice a
Prom picture of them in his wallet. Why would he put her in
his wallet if he didn't care about her? I am super confused.
June
9, 2007
Today is the
last day of school, and I noticed that all my blogs lately
have been Devan-focused. Have I lost myself? I am no longer
focused on me. It's always all about getting his attention,
pleasing him, hoping no other girl will take him from me. I
didn't comment that I got 2nd place at the regional speech
competition. I didn't mention that, even though I hate the
fact that we are moving, my parents did find an awesome
house, which they asked for my input on. I don't even talk
about Ashley much unless it has to do with seeing Devan.
And we went on an amazing class trip together. It was
so fun and one that I will never forget, but here I am
pining away over Devan. I am feeling lost in so many
senses. I think I need to end things with Devan, as much as
I hate to, because we are leaving just after the 4th of
July.
June
14, 2007
Just as I had
the break-up letter written to Devan, (I know, I am such a
wuss to write rather than say it), he sent me flowers! It's
a combination of shades of white, pink, and red. He had a
going away message attached, though, sort of like he was
wishing me well at my new school. I wonder if that is his
way of breaking up with me. Why do boys have to be so
confusing? How come he doesn't just tell me what he is
thinking. I am beginning to feel so led on.
June
27, 2007
Well, Devan & I are "just friends," and I don't want to go
into it, but I am beginning to think that is all we ever
were. I think he just enjoyed having some girl liking him so
much. I think I was his ego boost, something that he could
talk with his buddies about. When I think about it, he never
gave me much on an emotional level. He just gave me enough.
He'd throw me snacks but never the main meal. Why was I so
stupid to fall for him when I am really not ready for that
kind of relationship, and I am moving! In fact, we are
moving sooner than we expected, so I need to say good-bye to
Ashley and a few other friends, and leave this life behind.
I'd sooner stay here, but I guess I have to look forward to
what life might bring when I move. Right now I am NOT
boy-focused. In fact, I am anti-boy. I want nothing to do
with them except for my father. I will keep him. The rest
are too immature. And to think Devan thought I was the
immature one. I think it is the other way around.
June
30, 2007
Well, all our
things are boxed up. Moving day is tomorrow. I will blog
again when my computer gets set up at home. Oh, gosh, that
sounds so weird....Calling a new place "home." I
have been here all my life.
August
18, 2007
I am SO sorry
that I have not blogged in forever. This summer was
rough. We
finally got settled in here. The only cool thing about this
place is my room, which is super huge. I think my
parents gave me the biggest bedroom in the house because
they feel bad tearing me away from my real home. I
logged on-line for the first time in a log time today.
Ashley e-mailed me, but nothing from Devan. Why
do I continue to torture myself?
Why do I even care? But Ashley told me to check out a
profile she found on-line. It was Devan's! He
didn't have much on there, but when I looked at his
"Friends," I saw "Devan's Girl" was
listed as a screen name, and the picture was of Ali!
How disgusting! I clicked on her profile, and she is
blogging about him! Here is one of her entries:
"Devan's
kisses taste like honey. He is the sweetest
kisser. As the summer has went on, we've gotten
closer. I think it helps that his "little sister,
Lacey," (yeah, I've mentioned that annoyance before),
has left the city. And I mean LEFT! Good
riddance. Looks like everything is as it should
be. I love Devan. And Devan loves me. He
always has. He just never knew how to tell little miss
sunshine to SCRAM! Do I hear wedding bells?"
Ugh, makes me
sick. How embarrassing for me and how untrue. I
know Devan cared about me. Ashley told me if she would
have seen that "friend" and that blog she wouldn't
have even told me about it, but I told her it was
okay. It was better that I know now. I hope I
never hear from him again.
School starts
in a few days, and I am super nervous. I have never
had to be the "new girl" before.
