My On-line Journal
Welcome to my first ever blog. Isn't that such a funny word? I mean,
why is an on-line journal suddenly called a blog. Yeah, I get it....It stands
for web log, but it is just one of those words that bother me. Do you
have words like that which bother you? Sometimes I just get so fixated
on the sound of a word or how it is spelled. Like asinine. That's actually
a cool one. Sounds naughty and dirty but it is not.
I wanted to keep my first "blog" light and fun so you'd get to know me,
but I really must rant. There's another annoying word...Rant. Anyway, I
am ranting about my parents. You see, I am in 8th grade, and if it is not
troubling enough that I will be a high school freshman next year, I have
just found out I will be moving! And not just to a new house which
would be awesome. And not just across town. We're not even going to
be in the same state. Instead, we are moving out of state! Asinine! I will
be miles from my friends, and my cell probably does not have enough
free minutes to call all my friends back home. I was hopefully scared
about next year but now I am terrified. I was scared about going to high
school but hopeful it would bring a lot of promises....maybe a spot on
student government, maybe a cheerleading position, I was even thinking
of trying out for basketball. My number one goal was to get a boyfriend.
I was eyeing this one cute sophomore who plays on the Varsity
basketball team. (Woops, you just discovered where my sudden interest
in basketball came from!) But now all those plans are ruined, and I am
oh so sad.
I am totally not the outgoing type in new situations, so this is major
suckage. Maybe I can change their minds, but they were on-line last
night looking at real estate, so I think it's a done deal. Ugh.
I have incredible news! I went to a Varsity game last night, and
afterward they had a dance mixer that the 8th graders were invited to. I
totally hit it off with that sophomore guard, Devan, and I want to date
him so badly. *Cheers* What a cutie. Blond hair, blue eyes. But my
parents are against dating at my age. I am not sure what I am going to
do. I was a little put off when he didn't ask me to dance, though I would
have probably been very nervous, because believe it or not, I have never
danced with a boy before. For some reason, I have always been too
nervous and wanted to wait until I was with THE guy. You know, the
one. Maybe I am too young to think of "the one," but I cannot help it. I
am the girl who used to line up her stuffed animals on two sides of her
bedroom, put my mom's scrap lace fabric on my head (as a veil), carry
some flowers, and pretend I was getting married with rings on my
fingers! Probably way asinine of me! Okay, now I'm starting to overuse
that word. Anyway, for some adult reason, I have always thought that
the first guy I danced with would be the guy who later became my
husband. What if Devan is that guy? Some high school romances work;
right? I am so happy right now that I cannot even think straight. I love
Devan texted me at school today. Problem is, phones aren't allowed at
our school, and I actually listen to the rules. So, my phone was at home
and it buzzed just as my mom came into my room to put a magazine on
my bed that I got in the mail. What bad timing! And I cannot believe the
invasion of privacy. She read my text! I thought she trusted me. There is
no reason she shouldn't, and I am so hurt & mad that she went through
my things. She doesn't think I have a reason to be mad, because I know
her rules. Yeah, well she has like 2,000 rules, and the rules about dating
have sort of been implied but never actually stated. She is trying to
control my life, and I have been such a good kid that I don't see why I
need all these rules. Anyway, she took away my phone. And now it is all,
"Who is Devan?" She flipped when I said he was in high school. She said
the text message was inappropriate, but I don't even know what it said,
and I cannot reply because she took my phone, so now he'll think I'm
ignoring him. I have to find a way to get in touch with him so he knows
I found out what Devan's text said, "Hey sweetness. Hope U R having a
good day. Hope you can come and play with me some day." That was in
reference to playing basketball because I let him know I was really into
it, and my mom took it as a sexual reference. WHAT? What decade is
she living in, and again, where is the trust? And she didn't tell me.
Instead, my friend, Ashley, found out because her brother is friends with
Devan, and Devan told her brother, who told Ashley, who told me. Got
that? My mom is nuts if she thinks taking my phone away will keep me
away from getting to know Devan better. I am not even saying he is "the
one." (Okay, I know I did say that a few blogs ago.) But I am just trying
to get to know this guy better. It is probably a waste of time. My mom &
dad made an appointment this weekend to look at some houses in our
new neighborhood, and they are dragging me along because, as they
say, I am too young to be home alone. This bites. I think I am going to
stay in my room until we move so I don't have to meet new people that I
won't be able to get to know better. Might as well cut my ties from my
friends now. Might as well suck a little now rather than sucking a lot
later. I hate how much my life has changed in just a short time.
I went to Devan's game last night. His team won! But he told me that
maybe I am too young for such a mature relationship. But he is only two
years older than me, so we don't have that much of an age difference. I
think he is starting to sound like my mom! He said he wants a girl who
can text him back, go on dates, talk on the phone. I told him that I can
go on dates. To prove it to him, we are going out on Friday night to a
movie. I am not sure what we'll see. I told him I'd leave it up to him to
pick. It doesn't matter. I'm sure it won't be a chick flick, though. I'll just
be glad to spend time with him and show him I am mature. I might have
to bring Ashley along as a cover. I don't think I'm really lying to my mom
if I just forget to mention Devan will be there. How do I even know he'll
show up? Okay, I am 99% sure he will, but I think I will just forget to tell
her that part.
Trouble, trouble. Why is it finding me lately? Does trouble always come
when someone wants to have fun? Okay, so I told my mom that Ashley
and I were going to the movie. She decided to call Ashley's mom to
double check. Luckily, that checked out for me. But then she insisted she
drop me off. And she wouldn't even drop me off a few blocks away. She
had to wait until she saw Ashley at the doors and then drop me off right
in front of the doors. Then she kissed me! At least it was on the cheek.
But how embarrassing! I'm not two anymore. Ah, I wouldn't have
minded. I do appreciate that she loves me, but Devan was right at the
doors. Luckily he did not see the kiss, but he did see her drop me off,
which doesn't prove I'm very mature. He just got his license, so he drove
there....in his own sweet car. I would love to ride around with him in his
black cherry sports car. Maybe this summer if I suck up to my parents,
especially my mom. She is the rule maker and Dad always goes along
with what she says. Anyway, Devan sat real close to me during the
movie. I don't even remember what it was about, because I just kept
thinking about him. I could feel the heat of his body next to mine. Boys
are so warm! I just wanted to cuddle him. Oh, shoot, I need to continue
this blog tomorrow because I forgot I have a social studies quiz
tomorrow, so I have to study...Sorry!...
Back to the movie....I left it about twenty minutes early so I could use
Ashley's cell to call my mom and delay her from picking me up. I asked
her if Ashley's mom could take us to her house for awhile because we
were having so much fun. She grilled me on why I was out of the movie
20 minutes early, but I told her I was on a popcorn run. (I love
munchies!) She believed me, and then I felt bad that I lied, so I asked
Devan to lend me some money to buy popcorn. It was so cool when he
said I didn't have to pay him back. I consider it my first gift from him.
Anyway, I told him I was going back to Ashley's, and he asked me if I'd
like to hang out more with him instead because he didn't want the night
to end yet. Of course I wanted to be with him, so I said I'd go. But I told
him I had to get my stuff at Ashley's first. He said he'd pick me up at her
place, but I decided we should meet downtown outside the theater. He
said that was cool.
New paragraph! Ashley's mom picked us up, and then I borrowed a cute
top from Ashley that she had just gotten and I knew Devan would like.
She got it at the mall, and it has cap sleeves and a princess cut bodice
covered in lace, plus it ties in a bow in the back. Kind of flirty even
though I can't fill it out like I should, if you know what I mean. Anyway,
Ashley's mom refused to go to sleep early because she was watching
some Lifetime movie or something lame, so we pretended we were really
tired, and then I had to sneak out of Ashley's window. It was really dark,
and when I started walking down the sidewalk, I got really scared, so I
started running. Then I realized I could get all sweaty and ruin my hair,
so I just walked quickly. No one was at the theater when I got there!
And I was afraid someone in town might see me and call my mom, but
just then Devan pulled up in his cherry red car! I tried to act all cool and
not too excited, but I had never been in a boy's car before.
Shoot, I hear my mom in the hall. I will finish later. She cannot find this
stuff out or she'll take my computer and ground me for life! I have
NEVER been grounded.
Okay, ok, okay....I thought we were just going to drive around in Devan's
car, so I got really nervous when he pulled up to a friend's house. It was
a senior's house, and his parents were gone for the weekend. And worse
yet, my dad was best friend's with this guy's dad, so I was afraid he
could find out I was there, but when I started telling this to Devan, and
when he gave me a way weird look, I knew I was acting like a kid, so I
decided to shut up and go in. I had been over to his house before (with
my dad) but just in the entryway because this was their new house. Off
the topic! Devan was really cool and didn't pressure me to do anything,
but then I wondered how much he likes me, because he didn't even hold
my hand. I hope I am not just his basketball buddy, because he kept
mentioning NBA players and stuff to me. It was so cool of him to turn
down whatever it was those other guys were offering him. I think it was
drugs. He said that stuff is not cool, and that he didn't want any part of
it. Neither did I. Besides, it was making my clothes smell funny and all I
needed was for my mom to figure things out. Then I'd never see Devan.
Who knows if I will anyway. I am beginning to think two years older is a
lot different, because there were all these girls there, and some of them
were willing to do things with their boyfriends that I didn't think they
should. I'll leave that for a rant for another day. Right now I just want to
say that Devan was a perfect gentleman, and he drove me back to
Ashley's, which I think he now thinks is my house, so I will have to clear
that up with him. He thinks it's way neat that I snuck out. I guess I still
didn't lie, because I was back at Ashley's, and her mom didn't ask me if I
snuck out. I feel kind of bad, though. The worst part was that Ashley
forgot to keep her window open, and I couldn't whack her window hard
enough to wake her but not her mom, so I had to sleep in their garage!
Good thing it is heated. I snuck back in when her mom went for a walk
with their dog, and no one is the wiser. But I was super tired the next
day! Mom did not like that I slept in until noon!
My mom asked me how my night was the next day. I just giggled and
said we had fun. I wasn't lying. WE did have fun. There was just more to
the "we" than she needs to know. I am starting to feel bad about hers &
my relationship. We used to be so close, and we still are, but things are
feeling different. Like she doesn't even know me and is just thinking
about this move and not my feelings. She wants to protect me, I guess,
but I don't need protection. She needs to realize I am growing up. I
wonder what Devan is doing today? No time to think about him, though,
if I can possibly not! Because I have to practice for a speech competition
that I am in. I already passed the local competition so I am onto the
regional area competition. Cool for me! Devan was impressed, but he
said he knows I have a sweet voice, and he'd listen to me talk any day!
Ha, ha, he must want a cookie!
My last blog gave me an idea! I baked Devan some cookies! I wasn't
sure what else to get him, but I recently learned it was his birthday. Like
as in yesterday recently, so I had to think quick. I told my mom I was
craving chocolate, so she was a gem and went to the store to get me
some chocolate chips. I asked her if I could take some to Ashley's house,
and she actually let me. Probably because I haven't mentioned Devan
lately, she feels she can give me a bit more trust. I did give Ashley a few
but I asked her brother to give the bag to Devan. I put a note inside
wishing him a happy birthday. Ashley's brother, Ty, will give it to Devan
tomorrow. I hope it doesn't embarrass Devan, but I didn't know what
else to do. By the way, Mom gave me back my cell phone. Probably
because I have been doing lots around the house, getting ready for the
move, and she said maybe she was a bit too harsh on me. Ya think? But
this doesn't mean I won't be texting Devan anymore. That is the main
reason I am glad I got it back. He's never on messenger because he is
so busy with sports and his friends...."the guys." I miss him, and I
wonder if he thinks of me ever. He did pass a note to Ty to give to me,
but Ty lost it! I let Devan know that in my cookie letter.
I hope Devan doesn't think I'm Betty Crocker. Maybe I'm too mature for
him now. Gosh, what was I thinking! I have not heard from him yet.
Hmmm....My mom says that she heard there was drinking at a party. My
dad told her. Guess what? It was the party I was at! I wish this was April
Fool's, but she knows most of the details. But she doesn't know I was
there. I guess after Devan & I left some of those druggie guys started
drinking beer, and then some other kids decided to try it. Someone got in
their car and got in an accident. I am so glad no one got hurt. I know
you might think it's weird of me, but I don't like drinking. I think it is
bad, and I have reasons for this. My cousin was on life support and
nearly died from a drinking related crash. My dad is a recovering
alcoholic. I have never seen him drunk because it was before I was born
but I can just about imagine the troubled times he had with the stories
he tells. The way I see it, if you don't take that first drink, you'll never
have to worry about becoming an alcoholic. I'm glad Devan doesn't
drink. We really feel the same about so many things. He says his sports
are way too important to mess up and his coach would kill him if he got
caught on drugs. Alcohol is a drug, too. I hope he never gets caught at a
party because other kids sometimes drink there, and I don't want him in
trouble for something he didn't do. Gosh, I worry about him a lot!
Devan loved the cookies! I am so relieved. I just didn't hear from him
because his cell battery died. Now he got a new one. He called me
"Betty Cracker" in his text! We are so on the same page. I think he
meant to type an "o" but typed an "a." Either that or he doesn't know it's
Betty CrOcker. Oh well, I'll be whatever Betty he wants me to be!!!
My life sucks! Ashley told me today that Ty said Devan is dating someone
else! This is really shocking to me, because when Ashley and I went out
for pizza two nights ago, I texted Devan that he should swing by. I was
stoked when he did. Ashley was really a pal and went for a walk for
about 30 minutes while Devan & I hung out alone. He told me he will
miss me when I move away, and then he gave me his e-mail address to
keep in touch! I don't know why we didn't think of that before! But I
guess he is on the computer more in the summer.
Anyway, Ashley said that Devan is taking some Ali girl to Prom. She's a
freshman, and I think she is a cheerleader for football. She isn't even
into his sport like I am. I am wondering if I am ugly. Is my chest too flat?
Maybe he wants a girl with a big butt or big hips. I cried all day after
Ashley called and told me that, and my mom is asking lots of questions,
but I am not answering. I just told her I am upset about the move
because it is coming quicker than I thought it would. I cannot believe he
would do this to me, so I texted him about it, and he is ignoring me I
think. I am going to e-mail him now.
What is the big deal about Prom? And why can't an eighth grader go? I
could go if I was just one year older. What is a year? My boyfriend
happens to be in high school. Why am I punished for that? Devan said
he is not dating Ali, but they are just going to Prom as friends. I know
that she wants him. I saw her at all his basketball games, and she was
always cheering for him. It's sickening.
Woah, I just re-read my blog. I called Devan my boyfriend! Good thing
he doesn't read this because I am not sure he feels the same way for
me, but I really do feel like he is my boyfriend. I just don't know if we'll
be able to make a super long distance relationship work. I'd be willing to
try....more than willing. And maybe he can move to my state in two
years to go to college. That could work! I've never felt this way about a
boy before. I hate that Ali girl.
Okay, I don't HATE Ali. I just don't think I like her very much.
*Uncomfortable* Ashley & I went to the mall the other day, and who did
we run into but Devan & Ali. He introduced us officially and said they
were just Prom shopping. I believe him. I think. When he introduced
me Ali said, "Is she your little sister?" His little sister is 9! What a major
face slap. Ashley's jaw dropped, and she later said she wanted to ask if
Ali was his mother! She should have. I felt really embarrassed, but
Devan did say, "No, she's someone special to me," which was cool of him
to say, but how come he can never call me his girlfriend? I am getting
very worried about this.
We had eighth grade orientation today, so we went to the high school.
Devan is on Student Council, so he got to take a group of kids around to
tour the school. Ashley was in his group. Too bad he wasn't my group's
leader. I'd follow him anywhere! Actually, Ashley and I tried to switch
spots but we got caught by a teacher. I think Ali told on us. And then
my group got Ali! She is not even in Student Council but has study hall,
so she volunteered to help out. What a do-gooder. I know she just did
this to make me feel bad, because she was totally flirting with Devan....in
front of me....any chance she got. I am not a jealous person but this is
getting ridiculous. He needs to set her straight.
Ty gave me a note today, but this one wasn't from Devan. It was from
Ali! She told me that I should think about her & Devan dancing together
this weekend, and that she was mature enough to give him what he
wants. I think she means sex but I know Devan is not like that and
would never do that to me. He would never hurt me. I would tell Devan
about this but she also threatened to tell my mom I was seeing Devan if
I said anything to him. She said I should leave him alone, but I think
she should. I wonder how she knows that my mom doesn't want me to
see Devan. Is she guessing? Or did he tell her? Does he know how
against "us" my mom is? Oh! My mind is going to be whirring this
weekend. Maybe Ashley & I can go in at coronation to see how things
are going at the very least.
Ashley got sick this weekend! She couldn't go with me, but I wanted to
find out what was happening so bad that I went with my mom. How
desperate am I? What was worse was she asked who the girl in the
black cherry dress was (yeah, Ali got a dress to match Devan's car--how
devious can she get?) I told her it was a girl named Ali, and she went on
& on about how pretty she is and how beautiful her hair and gown were.
Mom doesn't know what Devan looks like, so I know she wasn't trying to
be mean, but it was so hurtful, especially to hear this stuff from my
mom, whose opinion I really do value, even if I don't always show it.
Devan called me yesterday. It was really risky, but he said he knew my
mom was not at home because he just drove by and no cars were in the
yard. He asked if he could come over, so I said he could but only for an
hour because my mom was due back in 85 minutes. I really watched the
clock when he got to my house. We hung out in my room so he could go
out the back window if he had to but that didn't end up happening. I
thought he was going to kiss me today. We were sitting on the edge of
my bed, and he started playing with my hair, and I got really nervous,
because I always get nervous around boys. He told me I am beautiful
and that I didn't need to worry about girls like Ali, because she could
never change how he feels for me. But just then, as he was moving into
kiss me, gazing into my eyes, and I started closing mine, he got a text
message. I am not kidding you. It was from Ali. It's like the girl has ESP.
He didn't read the message in front of me, but he did check to see who
it was from, and he told me but said it was no big deal. He said she has
texted him a lot since Prom but he has only replied once. But I did notice
a Prom picture of them in his wallet. Why would he put her in his wallet
if he didn't care about her? I am super confused.
Today is the last day of school, and I noticed that all my blogs lately
have been Devan-focused. Have I lost myself? I am no longer focused
on me. It's always all about getting his attention, pleasing him, hoping
no other girl will take him from me. I didn't comment that I got 2nd
place at the regional speech competition. I didn't mention that, even
though I hate the fact that we are moving, my parents did find an
awesome house, which they asked for my input on. I don't even talk
about Ashley much unless it has to do with seeing Devan. And we went
on an amazing class trip together. It was so fun and one that I will never
forget, but here I am pining away over Devan. I am feeling lost in so
many senses. I think I need to end things with Devan, as much as I hate
to, because we are leaving just after the 4th of July.
Just as I had the break-up letter written to Devan, (I know, I am such a
wuss to write rather than say it), he sent me flowers! It's a combination
of shades of white, pink, and red. He had a going away message
attached, though, sort of like he was wishing me well at my new school.
I wonder if that is his way of breaking up with me. Why do boys have to
be so confusing? How come he doesn't just tell me what he is thinking. I
am beginning to feel so led on.
Well, Devan & I are "just friends," and I don't want to go into it, but I am
beginning to think that is all we ever were. I think he just enjoyed having
some girl liking him so much. I think I was his ego boost, something that
he could talk with his buddies about. When I think about it, he never
gave me much on an emotional level. He just gave me enough. He'd
throw me snacks but never the main meal. Why was I so stupid to fall
for him when I am really not ready for that kind of relationship, and I am
moving! In fact, we are moving sooner than we expected, so I need to
say good-bye to Ashley and a few other friends, and leave this life
behind. I'd sooner stay here, but I guess I have to look forward to what
life might bring when I move. Right now I am NOT boy-focused. In fact,
I am anti-boy. I want nothing to do with them except for my father. I will
keep him. The rest are too immature. And to think Devan thought I was
the immature one. I think it is the other way around.
Well, all our things are boxed up. Moving day is tomorrow. I will blog
again when my computer gets set up at home. Oh, gosh, that sounds so
weird....Calling a new place "home." I have been here all my life.
I am SO sorry that I have not blogged in forever. This summer was
rough. We finally got settled in here. The only cool thing about this
place is my room, which is super huge. I think my parents gave me the
biggest bedroom in the house because they feel bad tearing me away
from my real home. I logged on-line for the first time in a log time
today. Ashley e-mailed me, but nothing from Devan. Why do I continue
to torture myself? Why do I even care? But Ashley told me to check out
a profile she found on-line. It was Devan's! He didn't have much on
there, but when I looked at his "Friends," I saw "Devan's Girl" was listed
as a screen name, and the picture was of Ali! How disgusting! I clicked
on her profile, and she is blogging about him! Here is one of her entries:
"Devan's kisses taste like honey. He is the sweetest kisser. As the
summer has went on, we've gotten closer. I think it helps that his "little
sister, Lacey," (yeah, I've mentioned that annoyance before), has left the
city. And I mean LEFT! Good riddance. Looks like everything is as it
should be. I love Devan. And Devan loves me. He always has. He just
never knew how to tell little miss sunshine to SCRAM! Do I hear
Ugh, makes me sick. How embarrassing for me and how untrue. I know
Devan cared about me. Ashley told me if she would have seen that
"friend" and that blog she wouldn't have even told me about it, but I told
her it was okay. It was better that I know now. I hope I never hear
from him again.
School starts in a few days, and I am super nervous. I have never had
to be the "new girl" before.
"If you nurture your mind, body, and spirit, your time will expand. You
will gain a new perspective that will allow you to accomplish much more."
Body. Mind. Spirit
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